More Music Ramblings or How to Assemble the Ultimate I Pod Collection

Here’s a sampling of the latest treasure trove of CD’s that I’ve unearthed at thrift stores and yard sales.  If you want to fill your IPod or MP3 player cheaply, there is no better way.  I’ve graduated to my son’s old IPod because at 800 songs I maxed out the MP3 player.  Anyway here’s another list of recommendations and caveats.

Billy Joel - Greatest Hits Volume One and Two – Why name the damn thing 1 and 2?  Couldn’t some enterprising exec at Columbia Records just issue them separately and increase profits?  Or just name the damn thing Volume I.  I don’t consider Mr. Joel’s music to be “rock” music.  First of all, after Jerry Lee Lewis, name a true rock star that just plays the piano.  His attempt to inject his music with a little punk energy in his album Glass Houses was as laughable as Linda Ronstadt covering Elvis Costello songs.  (I believe Mr. Costello issued some sort of cease and desist order to Ms. Ronstadt about future songs.)  That said there’s plenty to like here (Uptown Girl, The Longest Time) as well as plenty to avoid (the overwrought Goodnight Saigon, the awful Piano Man, The Stranger, etc.).  If Tin Pan Alley still existed, Mr. Joel would be king, but again that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

At least he was married to Christie Brinkley.

The Raspberries – Capitol Collectors Series – The Raspberries, led by Julliard grad Eric Carmen, were a prime progenitor of what is know n as “Power pop”, melodic pop songs with a little oomph behind them.  Critics have given them there due, but they never really got beyond cult status with the fans.  They had a few singles crack the top forty, most notably, Go All the Way, Overnight Sensation and I Wanna Be With You.  Mr. Carmen had a knack for writing (and stealing - see Rachmaninov) great melodies and being part of a group kept his sappy instincts, for the most part, in check.  Check out his first album for the mawk unchecked.  The Raspberries, however, are worth checking into.

He's wondering where his career went.

The Kinks – The Ultimate Collection – The Kinks are one of my all time favorite bands and they released a string of great albums in the sixties starting with Face to Face and arguably ending with Muswell Hillbillies that few bands can rival.  This collection collects most of the best songs from their entire career; however, for true Kink cultist there are some omissions.  There’s nothing from the aforementioned Muswell Hillbillies and only two songs from their entire RCA catalogue.  This isn’t a bad thing because a lot of the RCA stuff was made up of terrible theatrical concept albums that probably had to be seen performed to be truly appreciated (or not).  Some of the memorable stuff from their early Arista albums are also left off (no Low Budget, Juke Box Music, Sleepwalker, Misfits).  This is still a fantastic collection and should be a gateway to their late sixties albums (The Village Green Preservation Society and Something Else) and the rest of their music.  Oh, and Waterloo Sunset is the best pop song of all time.

Phenomenal Cats!

100 Hits of The 50’s – I got this with about 20 other CDs for 10 bucks.  Go me.

Most people think of music of the 1950’s and can’t get beyond Elvis Presley.  This 4 CD collection to some extent sets the record straight.  You have pre-Elvis music like The Weavers, Hank Snow, Hank Williams, Nat King Cole, Lefty Frizell, some songs from movies, Bing Crosby duetting with everyone and their mother and Rosemary Clooney.  The Elvis era stuff includes the Coasters, Jerry Lee Lewis, Fats Domino, Duane Eddy, Little Richard and Carl Perkins. No Elvis, Chuck Berry, Ray Charles, or Buddy Holly.  I guess the record label didn’t have access to these performers.  It’s obviously a more pop oriented collection and provides a decent overview of the decade.  And you can cherry pick the best songs.

David Bowie came later.

Caddyshack

One of the places I worked growing up was at a golf course.  I worked at a snack stand, at first, substituting for a guy who eventually went to medical school.  When the job became my own, I was happy because it combined my hatred for anyone who was rich, my then socialist tendencies and a desire to sit around for most of the day and do nothing and get paid for it.  You also got to drink all the Gatorade you could and eat all the peanut butter crackers you could stand.

There were two golf courses, the East and the West.  The east course was the prime course; the west was where the pikers usually played and was considerably less traveled.  Before the start of the shift my buddy and I would decide who went where.  One advantage of the west being slower is that the lucky person got to bring the prized copy of Hustler magazine with him.  Nuff said.

Before I graduated to a permanent position at the snack stand, I tried my hand a caddying.  The money was good but the work was backbreaking and demeaning.  The caddies were divided into two categories:  the barely functional adult men and the kids.  My first day the caddy master had a little tutorial for all the new caddies.  It was me and two kids who barely came up to my waist.  One had a tassel of red hair, glasses and buck teeth and if his name wasn’t Poindexter, it ought to have been.  The second kid looked and acted like a miniature Leo Gorcey; someone you just wanted to smack silly.

I caddied twice, carrying two bags each time.  The first time my fellow caddy was Poindexter, the second it was one of the child/men.  I made a few mistakes (Walking on the green with the bags, shaking the bags when the golfer was teeing off, etc.). Afterwards the child/man said, not kindly, that maybe I should find another line of work.  Next week, I was out at the snack stand gleefully looking at his shocked face as I catered to his golfers, not sweating like a race horse carrying around two awkwardly heavy golf bags.  Take that child/man caddy.

I also worked in the clubhouse as well, as a busboy.  A host of famous people came through the golf course:  Jim Rice, Bob Hope, Otto Graham, Tom Seaver, etc.  One day stands out more than the others.  We had a trio of Cincinnati Reds players, Johnny Bench, Pete Rose and some guy whose name eludes me.  I want to say Paul Stanley, but I think he was in the rock group Kiss.  Anyway, the Reds were getting their heads handed to them by the home team and Paul Stanley had made two critical errors in left field the night before.

Mrs. Paul Stanley was also with them.  A charming and lovely woman.  Unfortunately, I was talking about her husband, using the nickname “Dr. Strangeglove” (cruelly bestowed on him by the local press).  She was in earshot, heard me and abruptly left.  Maybe in tears.  Mrs. Dr. Strangeglove, if you are reading this blog, I offer my sincerest apologies.

However, that was not the end of it.  I walked down to bar to get some ice and there were the three Reds players in repose.  I mentioned that they were having a rough time in town, to which Johnny Bench replied, “What do you know, you’re just a waiter”.  My brilliant reply was, “I’m not a waiter, I’m a busboy”.  As Johnny Bench glared at me and fumed, Pete Rose was furtively hiding behind the bar and giving odds to Paul Stanley about whether Johnny Bench was going to slug me.  I hightailed back to the dining room.   I have cursed Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bench for his arrogance ever since and he has gradually taken on the larger-than-life role of celebrity arch-nemesis.

Curse you, Johnny Bench!!

Hurricane Irene

If there is one thing you could point to about Marylanders, and this gets my goat, is the constant overreaction to life’s calamities.  We’re getting a half inch of snow?  Let’s drive down to the local supermarket, spend hundreds of dollars, in order to weather the possible day of inconvenience.

                Now Hurricane Irene was nothing to sneeze at, especially if you lived on the Eastern Shore of the state, that said, this weather brings out the crazies.  Try finding a battery bigger than a double AA.  Impossible!  Candles?  The only candles remaining had dubious scents, such as Lavender Cheesecake, Bronx Monkey House and Grandma’s Pot Roast.   The latter two smelled eerily similar.

                People descend like a swarm of locusts, picking up everything in its path.  The store shelves rapidly empty of everything. 

“Honey, isn’t that liver in the meat case.” 

“Yes, dear it is.”

Before I can run to it, an albino dwarf comes running over scoops it up, fiendishly laughs and with a huge hunchbacked Samoan running interference for him, scampers over to the cashier line, where he waits 45 minutes to pay for his prize.

Major weather and the Christmas holidays bring out the lunatics who don’t normally shop.  I was waiting to return some spoiled cheese.  The customer service person asks who is next in line.  A middle aged, spinsterish woman, with straight bangs and that off-kilter look in her eye says it is her.

I turn around and say, no it’s not, in fact, I was waiting here while you were still in the checkout line.  She’s still insistent.  The man that was in front me in line supports my claim.  I complete my transaction and she’s still at it.  I turn gaze into her off center eyes and say, again, that she’s wrong.  She’s says I’m weird.  That may be, I tell her, but I was still in line before you.  I quickly hurry away as she starts to short circuit like one of the Stepford Wives.

Buried Treasure

As the two followers of this blog (Guten Tag, Hans and Hi, Mom)are aware, I like yard sales and music.  Put those two together and I get to slowly add music to my MP3 player at low cost.  My son and I have also been scouring flea markets and thrift stores for bargains as well.  I’d like to share a few of the more interesting finds I’ve come across or re-discovered.

                Celtic Music – a lot of “ethnic” or culture-centric music leaves me cold.  Celtic flutes, singing and women have changed that.  Plus, my wife absolutely loves it.  So any CDs of this genre I pick up score points with the wife, which is always a bonus.

                MC5 – don’t know how to classify these guys, proto-punk, heavy metal, but listening to “Kick Out the Jams” again, makes my ears bleed.  Not a bad thing under the right circumstances.

                Some guy playing the pan flute – my son picked this out.  I gave it a listen.  He even does a version of Lionel Rithchie’s “Hello”, a song I wouldn’t listen to on a good day.  The pan flute is like the accordion, listening to a few measures is enough to switch to another CD.

                Sarah Brightman/Time to Say Goodbye  –  A classically trained voice that doesn’t come off as strident and overbearing like a lot of opera singers.  The first song on this CD is the same one that Will Ferrell did in “Stepbrothers”.   She does it better.

                Ravel’s Bolero – For those people who say classical music is stodgy and boring.  This piece is smokin’ hot.

                The Ultimate Barry Manilow – Hey, it was only two bucks, but, honestly, even my wife looked at me funny when I bought this one home.  Hey, I have fond memories of “Copacabana”.  I serenade my cats by inserting their names for Rico’s.  Moving on..

                Movie Soundtracks – Many movie soundtracks have a lot of good songs, including the good ones from groups who only had one or two.  Plus, they usually pass the ITunes test.  The I Tunes test:  A song generally costs .99 cents on I tunes.  If I’m paying $2 for a CD that has four good songs, it passes the ITunes test.  Some soundtracks like “The Big Chill” (oldies) or the Wedding Singer (some decent ‘80s stuff) are a couple that are worth picking up.

                Big Band – The older I get the more I can appreciate music from a bygone era.  Listen to Benny Goodman’s  “Sing, Sing, Sing” or Woody Herman’s “Woodchopper’s Ball” to really appreciate the genre.

                John Coltrane/Coltrane Plays the Blues – If I had to pick one Jazz album, this one just might be it.

                The Grateful Dead/Skeltons from the Closet – I have never been a fan of the Grateful Dead.  They have the worst harmonies ever and I just can’t see how others can be so passionate about them. That said, picking up a Greatest Hits package of an average group that passes the ITunes test is always great. 

Driven to Madness

              Occasionally, I need to take my son to Arlington, Virginia to have his flute or piccolo repaired.  These people are the best in the business; however, I dread this trip.  Days before the trip, I break out into a cold sweat and have nightmares.  The day I have to drive him, my body tenses, my testicles retract into my body and I begin to weep.

                Yesterday’s trip was worse than any other.  First, there were several accidents and slowdowns.  Second, there were exit closings and construction and third, my son had to pee like a racehorse in the middle of major traffic jam.  I recall saying to him, please take sips from your water bottle, don’t drink the whole thing.  Alas, more parental pearls of wisdom that fell on deaf ears.

                Commuting around the D.C. area is a punishment fit for the most heinous of crimes.  I’ve lived in several major cities.  New York, although I didn’t drive, it would take me over an hour to go from my home in Brooklyn to my job in another part of Brooklyn.  I took three trains to do it.  In Philadelphia, the Schuylkill Expressway is Satan’s dragway.  In London, I tried to drive on the right hand side of the road several times with near fatal results.  Damn foreigners!

                After hours of driving (this is, or should be, a 90 minute trip at best), we finally made it.  My son peed.  We had lunch and it was time to leave.  After girding my loins, we were off, homeward bound.   Days later we finally pulled into the driveway and hungry, thirsty, dirty our clothes torn and shredded.  Next time, I send the instruments UPS.

Route 495 on a typical weekday

               

The Madcap Laughs

             I’m breaking my rule again about lists and opinions; however, I’m in a weird mood.  Hence, some of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen.  Not all laugh-out-loud funny, some charmingly funny, some quietly funny.  The list, in no real order, hence starting off with:

Stepbrothers:  Will Ferrell is definitely a hit or miss guy with some of the movies he’s been in.  When he teams with John C. Reilly (formerly a dramatic actor of some note) the results are hilarious.  This movie has a lot of laugh out loud moments.  Also:  I know I’m in the very small minority on this one, but Land of the Lost is pretty funny too.

Annie Hall:  It’s hard to pick just one Woody Allen movie, but this one gets the nod.  As I grow older I see a touch of sadness and poignancy as well.  Manhattan and the underrated Stardust Memories are also good.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail – Monty Python is an acquired taste.  My wife hates them, my son loves them.  This is silliness at its best.  I remember I bought the album and had it memorized well before I even saw the movie.

Tootsie – Sure, Dustin Hoffman’s good in this, but the real credit goes to an excellent supporting cast that includes, Dabney Coleman, Teri Garr, Charles Durning, an unbilled Bill Murray and the old guy from Punky Brewster.

Local Hero – This is more of a smile and nod type of movie than a gut buster.   It’s about an American oil company representative who gets captivated by a little Scottish town.  The locations and soundtrack (by Mark Knophler of Dire Straits) are enchanting.

The Naked Gun movies – Airplane is funny, but these movies are funnier.  With Leslie Nielson playing it straight amongst the lunacy, these movies are gut busters.

Mr. Hulot’s Holiday – The French Charlie Chaplin?  I first saw this movie at a matinee in New York at one of the revival theatres there.  The audience consisted of parents who brought their young kids to see something special, something other than the pabulum foisted on children back then and today.  The kids were enthralled and merrily entertained.

Animal House – RIP John Belushi.  “My advice to you is drink heavily.”  His character trying to cheer up Flounder as you would a idiot child is a priceless moment.

A Fish Called Wanda – John Cleese is one of the funniest human beings alive and the best thing about this movie.  Kevin Kline was funny, but Academy Award funny?  This movie is a tribute to the Ealing comedies, which are also worth a watch,especially the one's with Alec Guiness.

Mr. Bean’s Vacation – A lot better than the previous Bean movie.  This is another example of a movie that doesn’t have to be offensive or vulgar to get laughs.

The Bell Boy – Critics rave about The Nutty Professor, but this movie is funnier.  It’s an almost plot less series of vignettes about the usual hapless Jerry Lewis getting into trouble (what a novel concept).  Also, another plus, Jerry has virtually no dialogue.

His Girl Friday – Rapid fire dialogue and plotting doesn’t get any funnier than this.  Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell crackle.  A great supporting cast of wonderful character actors.

Duck Soup – The Marx Brothers made a lot of good movies (and, sadly, some average ones too).  Pound for pound this is the greatest.  S. J. Pearlman (my favorite humorist) contributed to the dialogue.  Hail, Hail Fredonia.

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein – I loved this movie when I was a kid and it still holds up today. 

The Producers – The original, not the musical.  Zero Motel and Gene Wilder make a great comic tandem.  Whatever happened to Dick Shawn?

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure – Tim Burton’s first film.  Funny and inventive.   Whatever happened to Pee Wee Herman?  Oh…yeah.

The Night Shift – I used to work in a video store and customers would often ask for recommendations.  For comedies, I would recommend this, one of Ron Howard’s first efforts.  Michael Keaton steals the movie.  Shelly Long is horribly miscast as a prostitute(?!).

The Pink Panther Strikes Again – This and A Shot in the Dark are the best Panther movies.  This is the one where Inspector Dreyfuss goes nuts (again) and blackmails the world's spies into killing Clouseau.  A Shot in the Dark has the famous nudist colony scene and Elke Sommer. 

Some Like it Hot - This is here for obligatory reasons and as a nod to Jack Lemmon, one of the great actors of the past half century.

Afterhours - This is without a doubt the strangest movie (if you don't count New York, New York) Martin Scorsese has ever done.  Can I get one of those plaster of paris bagel paperweights?

Borat – Tasteless, vulgar and one of the funniest movies ever.

A Life in the Theater, Part the Fourth

                 My first professional show!  Also the first time I got paid to act!  Also, one of the more bizarro life experiences ever.

                The play, Marat/Sade, is a wonderful quasi-musical that plays out some of the highlights of the French Revolution as performed by the inmates of a lunatic asylum.

                I got a call one day from a man with a very thick Eastern-European accent who wondered if I would be interested in a role in his production.  He said he had seen my work before and liked it (!?).  It was a non-speaking role as one of the brutish asylum guards (apparently he liked my “brutish” qualities).  I would be on stage the entire time and would get to do various and sundry stuff, like restrain and beat the inmates when they got out of line and look menacing.  I said, sir, sign me up.

                The cast was a mix of Equity, non-equity actors and two musicians (a violinist and a trombone player).   The cast and backstage personnel were also a rather bizarre assortment of humans.  The young woman who played Charlotte Corday, with two weeks to go before the premiere, decided a theater showcase in New York, was much better suited for her career, so she promptly quit the show.  Her replacement was awful.  The actor portraying Marat quit in the middle of the run.  They had to get some poor guy who had done the show in college, who barely remembered the lines and often extrapolated them nonsensically in performance much to the cast’s delight.  The actor who played DeSade was certifiable.  He had a reputation as being incredibly difficult and would often perform stoned.  Some of his monologues were cut for brevity; however, I once remarked that I missed a certain monologue so that night he put it back in.  Thanks, guy.

                The stage manager would barely communicate with those of us who either had no lines or he didn’t like (I fit into both categories) and would repeatedly kiss the asses of the stars and the actors (esp. female) that he did.  This was one of the first plays where the makeup I had to put on was somewhat complex and I had to ask the stressed out makeup person for help every night.  I tried to do it myself and every night she would have to touch it up or redo it (any career as a clown was out of the question).  I think I got it right once.  On a side note, I ran into her in New York and she was completely different, transformed.  We became friends.

                It was also the first cast that I would hang out with (at the corner bar) after the show.  A semi-regular occurance.  Actors sometimes make the best/worst drinking partners. I fell head over heels in love with one of the women playing one of the nuns (they’re something weirdly Freudian there), alas, that never went anywhere.  We were good friends, but she was more interested in the creepy stage manager.  

I had a few more shows to go before I moved to New York.

Hi Diddly Dee, it's the actor's life for me!

The Music Man

             I’ve rapidly been filling up the MP3 player my son bought for me at a yard sale for $5.  I’m a frustrated DJ.  At one point in college, I wanted to be an actual DJ, but that dream lasted about a semester or until I took a film class.

            Way back when, I used to compile my favorite songs on cassettes.  The cassettes held the primitive amount of 45 minutes of songs per side.  My stereo system was slightly off, so my cassettes always played back at a slightly faster speed.  Those were the days.

            Currently, I’ve been looking for CD’s (another dying purveryor of tunes!) of all (or most) of the music I liked way back when.  My musical interests (and buying) came to an abrupt halt  back around 1990, when I got married and had little or no discretionary income; therefore, I’m almost totally oblivious to anything (good) beyond that time.

            I’ve been scouring thrift stores and yard sales for musical treasures.  Walmart is a pretty good place to go, the selection is bleak but the prices are pretty good.  $5 for Classic Yes or Mile Davis Greatest Hits is a good buy.  Speaking of Yes, I haven’t listened to half these tunes since college.  And I haven’t listened to any of them sober, ever.

            I had about 3600 mega bytes (Is this the right term?) on the MP3 and started to just but anything on it.  100 greatest classical hits?  Sure.  Two CD’s worth of Big Band?  Okay.  The entire ouvre of ZZ Top?  Why not.

            It seemed like a lot of space at first, but, man, did it fill up fast.  I’ve had to be more discriminating in what I put on as well as delete things already on there. (According to my son, the MP3 player, unlike the IPod, allows you to delete songs.  Thank God)  

Johnny Cash singing “Cats in the Cradle”.  I hated that song when Harry Chapin sang it.  Goodbye!

The Monkees’ “The Porpoise Song”.  “Daydream Believer” is enough of a compromise. 

You mean I don’t have to listen to “The Long and Winding Road” ever.  Woo Hoo.

Basically, I’m adding by subtracting or multiplying proportionally or something.

Anyway, music always had a place in my life and I’m happy it’s back.

I Learned it from Comic Books

I’ve been reading comic books off and on for a long time and I can honestly tell you that you can learn stuff from just reading comics.  I’m not talking about Maus or Watchmen or Classics Illustrated, but your run-of-the-mill super hero comics. 

1)      The criminal justice system sucks.  How many times has Spiderman fought Electro or Dr. Octopus over the course of his career?   How many times has Batman had to deal with the Joker? Too many times, that’s how many.  No matter how elaborate the jails get, (Arkham, the Raft, the prison in the Negative Zone), villains will find a way to get out.  Doesn’t the death penalty ever come into the conversation with any of these guys?    Which brings me to my next point...

2)      Nobody ever stays dead in the comics.  Superman, Batman, Captain America, even the Captain’s sidekick, Bucky Freakin’ Barnes (a character nobody wanted to see again), has been declared dead at one time or another and brought back to life.  It doesn’t matter.  Comic book creators create their own logic and world.  Normal rational plays no part here.  Superboy punches a wall and Batman’s second Robin comes back to life.  Now, he’s evil and bent on revenge or  something.  Sure.  Why not.  Aristotle’s got nothin’ on this baby.

3)      A super heroine’s breast size is directly proportional to her power and abilities.  Not that I’m complaining.

Power Girl can bench press 200 tons.

4)      Nobody writes Shakespearian-like dialogue better than Stan Lee.  Check out some of his Thor stuff from the sixties.  The Bard would be proud, sir.

5)      Star Trek (“Mirror, Mirror”) and Fringe aside, the “alternate universe” concept is the last resort for the writer who has run out of ideas.  How many different timelines, versions of characters and re-workings do we need (or have to pay to read)?

6)      “With great power, comes great responsibility”.  I don’t know who first said it, Uncle Ben, Socarates, Mr. Whipple, but it is a truism beyond the realm of comic books.  Politicians, take note.

7)      Sorry Mr. Wizard, Science is the great corrupter.  Radiation has done a number on a variety or heroes, (Daredevil, Spiderman, the Hulk) and villains (the Abomination, the Leader) and they are probably the worse for wear because of it.  How about all the inventions that have led to superpowers? 

8)      Comics are a great source of debate and rumination in my household, usually between my son and me.  Who would win in a fight?  Superman or the Hulk?  Who is fastest man in comics?  The Flash or Quicksilver?  How are comics a mirror of what goes on in society today?  Why have comics (consciously or unconsciously reflected the times in which they existed?  That is a subject for another blog.

Grab Bag

This is sort of a grab bag blog.

First, for those of you that have been reading my blog.  Thanks.  To both of you.

In reference to some past columns:

The TV one – add SCTV, early Saturday Night Live (RIP Belushi and Radner), Police Squad (Only six episodes, but it’s the equivalent of reading an early Mad magazine TV spoof.  There’s stuff to watch not only in the foreground, but the background as well).  Does anyone remember a TV show called The Associates?  It had Martin Short as a member of the cast.  I recall an episode called (I think), the Censor, about a network show that goes from uproariously funny and bawdy to white-bread bland due to censorship.  It guest-starred John Ritter.

The Yard Sale one – My son is slowly mounting a Napoleonic campaign to collect every old game system in existence.  He just needs to keep a poker face during negotiations when he is getting a great buy.

Sublimity – At a recent yard sale, I picked up some Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Big Band, and Debussey CDs for about a buck a piece.  Davis’s Jack Johnson is revelatory.  My son, the musician, said that Davis is playing multi-tonic (?), two notes at once.  Again, great stuff.  The Debussey CD included a nocturne called the Sirens.  He uses a female choir; it's enchanting.  Added this to my MP3 along with a ton of other stuff.

Gaming – My son is reliving his Game Cube days and is picking up a lot old titles.  Serious Soul Calibur II and Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters grudge match time again.  The latter game is cool if your old like me and remember watching Godzilla, Rodan, and Mothra on your local UHF channels on Saturday afternoons.  Soul Calibur is one of the best fighting games ever.  My son’s favorite is Ivy, the Brit S/M chick with the sword that becomes a razor whip.  Nasty.  I usually play against him with either the fast characters (Taki, Talim) or just try to bull rush him with the big slow guys (Astaroth, Berserker).

See you soon!

Cleveland, I Feel Your Pain.

I think Cleveland has surpassed Philadelphia as the losingest (is this a word, spellchecker says no) sports city in the country.  Nothing, however, beats my sports memories of growing up in Philadelphia in the late sixties and early seventies.  At around that time, Philadelphia had the worst professional sports teams ever.

                After Wilt Chamberlain left the ‘76ers, slept with a couple thousand more women and appeared in the second Conan movie, the Sixers set the single season record for the least amount of wins with 9.  According to Wikipedia, the Providence Steamrollers lost 6 back in the forties, but honestly I never even heard of that team before I read this.  Wikipedia is somewhat haphazard with the facts, but even so, whenever a team challenges this unfortunate record, the Sixers are mentioned, not the Steamrollers.

                In the early seventies the Eagles had three quarterbacks, John Reaves, Pete Liske and Rick Arrington, who collectively did not add up to one third rate quarterback.  John Reaves was notable for something called the “Florida Flop”.  (Look it up.  No team could get away with something like that today.  Only in the SEC.) The Eagles most popular player was Tim Rossovich, who did stuff like set himself on fire, jump naked out of birthday cakes and run motorcycles off of piers.  Fun guy.  He made the Pro Bowl once and later became an actor.  Nuff said.  Even bringing in hired gun/quarterback Roman Gabrial (who had seen better days with the Rams) couldn’t quite turn the Eagles around.

                Which brings me to the Phillies.  Every baseball fan is aware of the famous flop in 1964.  They were in first place, up 6/12 games with 12 to play.  They proceeded to lose 10 straight and ended up in second place (This record for futility was later surpassed by the Mets.  Heh!).  What makes this particularly devastating is that the Phillies had never won the World Series and up until that point had only played in the Fall Classic twice.  At least the Sixers and Eagles won championships in the 1960’s.  The Phillies, nada.

                The Phillies best player Richie (sorry, Dick) Allen was difficult.  He was reviled by the fans (not much of stretch there).  He would draw cryptic messages in the dirt around first base.  He injured his hand moving a boat.  He got into fist fights in the clubhouse and was eventually traded.  After that it was a steep decline downhill.  When Roger Freed is your most feared power hitter, something is wrong.  It wasn’t until Steve Carlton was traded to the Phillies (Curt Flood refused to be traded to the Phillies, whined to the United States Supreme Court and started this free agent thingy) that they started to bounce back.  In Carlton’s first season, he won like 75% percent of the games (sorry 46%, I’m getting punchy).

                Anyway, things did eventually turn around for Philadelphia.  So take heart Cleveland and until you start winning some championships, you can at least root against Lebron James.

Maybe the Phillies needed Bo Belinsky "Mr. Party Guy" himself in 1964.

Jim Bunning is thinking, "Really, Mamie Van Doren?"

The History You Don't Know

Harry Truman once said “The only thing new in this world is the history that you don't know.”  After being questioned by Dwight Eisenhower in a cabinet meeting about the strategic importance of aiding a certain part of the world, Truman basically outlined for him the history of area and why it was incumbent for the U.S. to aid the nation.  After the lengthy lecture, (and a round of laughter), Eisenhower had to relinquish the point.

As an amateur student of history, it’s still surprising to see history repeat itself.  I’m currently reading a book by David Fromkin titled, “A Peace to End All Peace.”  It details the fall of the Ottoman Empire and creation of the modern Middle East.  The Ottoman Empire, like most empires built upon rapid acquisition by a warrior people (the conquests of Genghis Khan and Tamerlane are other examples) couldn’t effectively manage their conquered territory.

By the beginning of the twentieth century, the Ottoman Empire was collapsing faster than a cheap deck chair beneath a fat man.  One of the architects of the new order was Mehmed Talaat.  He was described by a British diplomat with, “a light in his eyes rarely seen in men, but sometimes in animals at dusk.”  The diplomat was, I believe, trying to be nice, but revealed the British knack for the patronizing (yet funny) remark.

After World War I, the Europeans essentially did the same thing to the Middle East that they had done to Africa a few decades earlier.  They carved it up like a thanksgiving turkey without any thought to the indigenous people who already lived there; thus, creating border s and nations that had no logic beyond the drawing room.  And of course this created problems that plagued the Middle East (and Africa) and by extension the rest of the world to this day.  Of course, I am greatly simplifying the rather complex events (also, I haven’t finished reading the book), but as President Truman once said (and I paraphrase) history can open you up to, and explain, current events.

Highlights of TV watching, A List

When I was a kid, the networks would run old sitcoms during weekday mornings.  This was my first exposure to a lot of the classic sitcoms.  I want to come up with a list (I love lists) of the funniest shows on television; the one’s that made me laugh the first time I saw them and bear up to repeated watching.  I realize these are my opinions on pop culture (something I did not initially want to but in blog format), but here goes.  If anyone is reading this blog, I would like to hear your opinions in the comments section.  In no particular order:

1)      Monty Python’s Flying Circus – Not a traditional sitcom, but a sketch show.  This saved my life in high school.  I was an extremely depressed and isolated kid and coming upon this on the local PBS station was a revelation.  Laughter was my ticket out of Bleaktown.  I immersed myself in everything Python, records, books, movies and slowly climbed out of a severe depression.  Thank you, PBS.

2)      Fawlty Towers – Micheal Palin used to be my favorite Python, but I have gained an appreciation for John Cleese, thanks to this limited series (sadly, only twelve episodes).  I even went so far as to co-write, co-produce and co-star in a thinly-disguised Off-Off Broadway ripoff tribute to this show.

3)      The Honeymooners – I have the DVD set and my wife and I still watch this regularly.  Jackie Gleason assembled a brilliant cast (except for Joyce Randolph) and was smart enough to give them plenty to do.  You can still see shades of Art Carney’s Ed Norton character all over pop culture.

4)      The Simpsons – I have the same quibbles that most fans have, that it just isn’t what it used to be; however, when this show was firing on all cylinders it was the funniest thing on TV.  Ever.

5)      The Office – I can appreciate the BBC version, but unlike the American version, it is not a big belly laugh show.  The American version at its peak (a few years ago) was unrivaled.  Steve Carrell and a great supporting cast (Creed, Merdith, Kevin, Kelly) made this a must watch for me and my son.

6)      Parks and Recreation – Currently, the funniest show on TV.  Ron Swanson, you are my hero.

7)      Curb Your Enthusiasm – This is the show that Seinfeld should have been.  Larry David is the anti-PC everyman we sometimes wish we were. 

8)      Barney Miller – This is one of the rare sitcoms that actually got funnier as it got older.  They got rid of dead weight actors (Abe Vigoda, I’m looking at you) and turned it into a hilarious character study, as the once heroic Barney Miller slowly revealed chinks in his armor.  A top notch ensemble cast.

9)      The Odd Couple – I’m revealing my New York bent here with the last two choices.  Its first season was filmed on a sound stage.  From the second season on it was filmed in front of an audience and the difference was profound.  The series’ fine actors (Jack Klugman and Tony Randall) gelled when in the presence of an audience.  Some quality writing and acting make this one a personal favorite.

10)   Home Movies – My son and I watch this animated series as old episodes are available on demand.  It’s about a group of kids who video tape their own movies.  Coach McGurk is one of the funniest characters (anime or live) ever.  Some exceptional writing and voice work here.

Honorable Mentions – The Bob Newhart Show and Newhart.  Bob Newhart is the master of deadpan.  Cheers  - another fine ensemble show that lost nothing when Shelley Duvall left.  The Beverly Hillbillies – used to love this when I was a kid.  A great showcase for some fine character actors.  I Love Lucy – Here, for it’s influence and historical value.  My sisters watched this show to death.  Lucille Ball was a master comedienne.  Roseanne – Good writing and a good supporting cast.  Never cared much for Rosanne Barr.  Two and A Half Men – Charlie Sheen’s recent problems notwithstanding, I would watch this show when I saw it and was rarely disappointed.  The Dick Van Dyke Show – Dick Van Dyke is a very funny man.  Green Acres – It’s weirdness is underrated.

A Life in the Theater, Part the first

When I was in college, I had a roommate who happened to be a theatre major.  I would go to his school productions and marvel at the girls who were in the theatre department, so I decided to take an acting class.  Ostensibly it was to meet girls, but because I was then trying my hand at screenplay writing, the reasoning I gave publically was to better understand the people who would eventually be saying my words.

The acting class was taught by a young guy who had once been a protégé of Lee Strasburg.  So it was method, method and nothing much else.  You did the chair exercise, sense memory stuff, and if you were “lucky” you could graduate to the “Room exercise”.

In this class you either had to do a monologue (I picked something from “The Knack”) or a scene.  As luck would have it, a dance major asked me (I lacked the courage to ask her or anyone else to be my scene partner) if I wanted to do a scene with her.  I was reading the collected works of Neil Simon Volume 2 and suggested a scene from “The Prisoner of Second Avenue”, ignoring the part where the character was a middle-aged man and I was a mere lad of 20.  To my clueless sensibilities, it just seemed like a funny scene to do.

After memorizing and rehearsing, it was finally the day of the scene.  Another student did a monologue before us and he was eviscerated.  The instructor could find nothing positive to say and just ripped the poor guy to shreds.  For the instructor, this was the rule rather than the exception.  Our turn came and it thankfully went better that expected.  The instructor “loved” what we did, gave us a few suggestions and had us re-do it.  Afterwards we were held up as examples of what you could accomplish if you showed up to class and worked hard.

Being the incredibly insecure person that I was, this was heady stuff and  I took this to heart, as I did any amount of praise, and plunged head first into acting. Here was my calling and for better or worse, I was on the road to a life in theatre; a road which would eventually lead me to New York City and a slew of misadventures.  But first I felt that I actually have some experience acting.  More on this in a future blog.

"No, really" or Why Al Gore invented the internet.

Back in the early seventies after the Beatle broke up.  Paul McCartney and John Lennon exchanged sniping songs referencing each other, with Lennon’s, as would be expected, the more stinging and interesting.

Today, you don’t need to write a song in order to reveal the hypocrisy of others.  The internet:  Facebook, Blogs, websites, it’s all there with the user giving themselves a generous supply of their own rope.

If you would believe what people post on their Facebook accounts, everyone is happily married or in the relationship of their dreams, have the dream job, and are just loaded with friends.  Not real “friends”, of course, but friends you collect like I used to collect baseball cards of semi-talented ball players.  “Gotta collect ‘em all”  It’s all about quantity over quality, getting as many as you can, the more you have, the better it looks, ad nauseum.  It’s a county fair and circus all rolled into a nice superficial package.

Examples from Facebook, “I have recently started my own non-profit company”, should read “I am currently unemployed and living on my ex-girlfriend’s couch.

Another:  “I am married to the love of my life” needs to say “My husband is a full blown alcoholic, who I can’t trust with my own children.”

I love when people reminisce about the past via some internet outlet; withholding and re-inventing facts to suit their whim and re-introducing themselves to a whole slew of new internet “friends” who have no idea of the truth.  The ironic thing is they were lying and manipulating in real life all those years ago.  Now it becomes some self-flagellating/masturbatory exercise for millions to see, the Hall of Mirrors and Fun House refracted back until the user no longer recognizes where the truth ended and the lies began.

There’s an old Russian proverb that says, “With lies you may get ahead in the world - but you can never go back.”  The old Russian, of course, never blogged or had a Facebook account.

Yard Sales

Yard sales rock.  It’s been quite some time since I drove around to any, but my son and wife were eager to give it a shot.  There was a community sale near us so off we went.

                My son was specifically looking for old games, game systems and any cast off electronics.  I was looking for books or anything else of interest.  My wife was looking for chatchkas, cute stuff she could place around the house.

                My guileless son would find a bargain and say to the seller something like” Wow, $2, Game Stop is selling this for $20.”  I had to pull him aside and tell him that part of going to yard sales is either negotiating the seller down or at least keeping any inside knowledge that you feel is beneficial to yourself to yourself.  You don’t want to drive the price up or make anyone feel like an idiot for not getting some value for something they didn’t need anyway.

                My wife and I had to dissuade him several times from picking up old computer components and being too carried away with getting certain (to him) bargains.  He did end up purchasing a Polaroid land camera (good luck finding film), a computer monitor and a bunch of old Nintendo games.

                My wife got her chatchkas and a straw bed for the cats.  I picked up a few books for 10 cents apiece (including David McCullough’s John Adams biography!).  But the biggest find was coming across box of Magic the Gathering cards for a dollar (for those of you who don’t know what Magic is, it’s a collectable card game).  I briefly looked into the box and saw some old cards, including a few rare cards.  I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest.  A dollar!!

                Needless to say I could not wait to get home and peruse the box.   However, we had other errands to run and important stuff to do at home and it was difficult to contain my feelings of “instant gratification”.   I couldn’t imagine what treasures awaited in the box and was chomping at the bit to find out.  Finally, late at night, I looked at what was in the box.   A bunch of mana cards, tons of old core set cards, a significant amount of stuff from the “Ice Age” set and an autographed card.  Nothing earth shaking or extremely valuable, but a lot of fun stuff to add to my collection.  For a dollar, woo hoo!

                My family and I are going to try and make the yard sale excursions a weekly event.  Lord knows I like bargains (read: I’m cheap) and it’s time well spent with the family outdoors in the fresh air.

Sublimity

A list of some of the things I think are sublime.  I don’t include wife and son stuff because everything they do is most excellent.

1)      Eating two apples and a loaf of French bread in the Arenes de Lutece in Paris.  What was noteworthy was the fact I ordered it all by myself in French.  Without the nasty looks I usually got for mangling that language.

2)      Recently got an old MP3 player that my son bought at a yard sale for $5.  I realize I’m incredibly late to jump on to this technology.  But it’s cool, after shuffling, to hear Frank Sinatra, Hayden, Iggy Pop, the Beach Boys, Miles Davis and the Osmonds’ “One Bad Apple” back to back.

3)      Being able to see some of the greatest Shakespearean stage acting ever.  Glenda Jackson as Lady Macbeth (opposite Christoper Plummer and Len Cariou, NYC circa 1987(?) and Kenneth Branagh as Henry V in “84 in Stratford.  Goosebumps.

4)      Spending afternoons browsing in Foyles bookstore.

5)      Sleeping overnight at my grandparents when I was a kid.  My grandmother was a sweet woman and one of the best cooks ever.  My grandfather would be game for just about anything, including spending the afternoon playing the old Sports Illustrated baseball game.  The one with the spreadsheet teams and one black and two white die. 

6)      Reading comic books for the first time.  I believe they were both Marvel anthologies.  They included the Fantastic Four battling Namor for the first time and Spiderman traveling to Florida to fight the Lizard.  I’m still hooked.

7)      Listening to two albums by the Kinks, “Something Else” and “The Village Green Preservation Society” for the first time.

8)      Taking unplanned overnight road trips to the shore or Virginia Beach with my buddies.  Wish I still had that spontaneity.

9)      Visiting (and eventually living in) New York City.  This is a city that changed my life in incalculable ways.  Pulling into Penn Station I knew the city - and life - was rife with possibilities

10)   Sitting on the couch after a rough day, my cat will come behind me and start licking my hair.  I keep it short and I suppose it’s just licking the salt in my sweat.  There’s something oddly parental though in the way he does it.